I bet he comes in French.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
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I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
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I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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