Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
