I didn't shave. On purpose
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Randomize
