She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
