the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
