Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
