Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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