I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm always down for nudity.
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