Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
