Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
