happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
