a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
