my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
no you cant smoke seaweed
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
