Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
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Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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