I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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