mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
