she takes plan B like it's going out of style
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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