you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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