im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
