first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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