i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
