My underwear smells like fireworks.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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