The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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