My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
