pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
