I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
