where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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