piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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