great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
