worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
