I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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