The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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