Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
