need another drink. this is the easiest way
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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