I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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