I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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