I wish I only lived at night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
