I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Randomize
