My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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