Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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