I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
MIDGETS
????
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
