i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Enjoy the penises
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
