My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
