dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
