Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
