His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
