What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just found a bag of teeth...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
