i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
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Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
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hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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