; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
