If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
