Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
