At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
