I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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