I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
