he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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